Go Girl, It's your Birthday

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!  ON THIS DAY, 28 YEARS AGO, AT 4:00 IN THE AFTERNOON, YOU WERE ALL BLESSED CUZ I WAS BORN.  AND YES I'M WRITING IN ALL CAPS CUZ IT'S MY. DAY.

Instead of writing a post about how awesome I am, I asked the people who are closest to me to share their favorite stories about me:

From my Dad: My favorite story is the original "TED" story.  For Christmas I went from store to store looking for the hottest toy of the year....Teddy Ruxpin; the talking, story telling, book reading Teddy Bear.  Believing they would be plentiful, I waited until mid-December before I started my search.  Well after weeks of searching, I finally found the elusive bear!  So as I sat with my smug, self assured, "Father of the Year" smile knowing my child was going to just love this gift,  I was astonished to watch her begin to cry in fear of this robotic monster.  Little did I know Crystal was deadly afraid of large puppets and even more so automated puppets.  Needless to say, Teddy was returned the next day.


From my Sister: I don't have a favorite story of Crystal, but here are some of the highlights: 

• Pushing me off the counter as a baby
• Pulling a knife on me as a youngster
• Sneaking into Crystal's room after bedtime
• Riding on a jet ski in Aruba and Crystal singing "Sweet Caroline" the entire time because she was scared
• Getting our matching Sorella tattoos

From my Mom: My favorite story of Crystal was at the baccalaureate for her high school graduation. The graduation speaker, the pastor of the church, was in the middle of his speech/sermon when he said "The other day, Crystal said..."  I was terrified because I know Crystal and her mouth is sometimes no holds barred.  Luckily, he was referencing a conversation they had where she brought up some really important information, but for a few seconds...I'm pretty sure I stopped breathing.

From my Godmother: My favorite Crystal story is when she was in my Primary Sunday School class, and our then very talkative Pastor stopped by and in his usual style, talked forever to a group of 4-9 year olds.  Upon finishing his talk, he asked if there were any questions.  No one spoke a word.  He then asked if anyone knew what he was talking aobut, and My Lil Diva spoke up.  "My Dad says nobody ever knows what you are talking about," and if that was not enough, she said "my Dad says you go on forever, last Sunday 52 minutes, the Sunday before 48 minutes," and she then proceeded to count down the number of minutes of his last 4 or 5 sermons.  The Pastor vanished, and never returned to the Primary class again.    

Youth Director at Church: My favorite Crystal story was from my days as the Youth Director at our church.  The group was having a conversation on being responsible, respectful, no drinking alcoholo or doing drugs when Crystal asked "Do you drink alcholol?" and I stated well yes, I do Crystal, sometimes.  She proceeded to say it's ok because so does my mom but she calls it "Mommy Juice."  I fell in love with her right then and there...  

Tick. Tock.

So we all know women have a biological clock.  You know, when your ovaries start to hurt every time you see a lil Brown baby and every "I'm engaged" text sends you into a 2-day depression.  (Oh wait, maybe that's just me.)  Our biological clock seems to really ramp up in our mid-20s.  The mix of the quarter-life crisis and wedding invitations in your mailbox will do that to anyone.  But I wonder, do guys have the same biological clock?

The answer most women will say is no.  To women, especially us single ones, guys still want to have their cake and eat it too; no matter how old they are or how ready we are.  But I beg to differ.  I do think men get to a period in their lives where they're ready to settle down with a wife, have some kids, move to the burbs.  Now, while some guys will hit the snooze button for as long as they possibly can, there are some guys who listen to that inner alarm.  The question is: when will your clock and his clock sync up?

So fellas, do yall have a biological clock?  

Facebook Stalking

Aight, so we've all done it.  Whether you're bored or on a mission, every now & then you get a lil caught up in Facebook stalking.  You click on 1 profile or 1 album too many then all of a sudden you realize three hours have past.

See, there are a lot of different people you can stalk on Facebook:

• The Ex - You always wanna check up on the one that got away to make sure that he's no longer happy cuz he's not with you.
• The Ex's Current Girl - Well, you gotta check her out to see if she's cuter than you...she's probably not.
• Your Crush - How else will you know what his favorite movies/food/TV shows/friends/Bible verses/restaurants are?
• The Cool Kid - You know this person; the one who vacations in Europe every 2 months and parties in VIP with Jay-Z.

In our social media heavy world, it's way to easy to stalk people with Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, hell Google!  So what can we learn from this: A-don't put your whole life on social media and B-whatever you do,  don't get caught.

Who do you Facebook stalk?

Mini Apple Pies

It's that time again, more mini food.  I think I love mini food cuz I don't feel as bad when I eat seven.  Anyway, this time I made mini apple pies.

Ingredients:
1 Pie Crust
1 Large Apple
Salt
1 t. of Cinnamon
Sugar
1 T. of Brown Sugar
Nutmeg
1 T. of Flour
Lemon Juice
Butter

1. Cut your pie crust into small circles.  I used a mug and just traced the mouth of it with my knife.

2. Grease your muffin pan with non-stick cooking spray and place your pie crusts in the cupcake pan

3. Cook your pie crust, uncovered, for 10 minutes in a 450 degree oven (or whatever the package says)

In the meantime....

4. Dice your apple into small pieces.  Add a dash of salt, a dash of nutmeg, and a few squirts of lemon juice.  Then mix in your brown sugar, cinnamon, and flour.

5. Once your pie crusts are browned, place your diced apples in each cup.  They won't fit in perfectly, that's fine.

6. Top your mini pies with a mini piece of butter. (You know what, you can skip this step...save yourself 10 calories.)

7. Bake, covered, for 20 minutes at 350 degrees.

These mini apple pies are A-dorbs.  You could top them with whipped cream, or serve them with a spoonful of ice cream or my fav, an ice cold glass of skim milk.  And yes I said skim milk.

Book Review: Black is the New White

Let me tell yall why I love Paul Mooney:

• He's unapologetically Black
• He constantly refers to himself as good-looking
• His outlook on everyday issues like racism are hilarious yet spot on

Basically, Paul Mooney is me.

This book is about Paul Mooney's struggle to make it in Hollywood and NOT 'making it' because he was too Black.  Don't misunderstand me, Paul Mooney is a legend.  This man wrote for the Richard Pryor Show, In Living Color, and the Chappelle Show.  As far as Black comedy goes, he's royalty.  Although he might not be mentioned with the likes of Jay Leno and Dave Letterman, it's not because he's not as funny as them, they just have the "complexion for protection."  While this book is Paul's autobiography, at times I feels like the biography of Richard Pryor, Mooney's best friend.  Now, I'm not complaining; while I've not seen much of Pryor's comedy, my father is a huge fan and Mooney is able to dive into the intricacies of Pryor's brain like no one else. 

At 70 years old, Paul Mooney has seen a lot of things.  But he's still standing, he's still funny, and he's still Black. 

Next up: Hunger Games 

Heat Wave

So last week in NYC we had a mini heat wave.  Well, you might not know this about me, but I don't do heat.  I don't do sweating.  I don't do smelling like 'outside' ... Heat waves are not for me.  It's especially difficult to figure out what to wear in NYC because you spend so much of your time outside walking.  And, since wearing a bikini top to work isn't 'corporate', I decided to go with the next best thing.

I got this lil number from H&M.  I love the colors, and it's a hi-lo dress, which I've been dying to try out.  I paired this dress with gold accessories to give it a lil pop.  Overall...I think I look gorgeous!

Because Instagram makes everything better

Dress: H&M

Necklace: Aldo

Shoes: Payless

Boobs

Disclaimer: This post will not actually have any pictures of boobs.

If you couldn't tell from my pictures, I'm a bit on the top-heavy side.  And because yall are my friends, I can speak honestly: yall gotta do better with your bras.  I'm tired of walking down the street seeing yall looking a mess!  So, here are Div's Rules to healthy, happy, perky breasts.

Rule #1: Your breasts should not greet me before you do; control those puppies.  

Rule #2: Get measured.  The statistic is something like 80% of women wear the wrong bra size.  And yall do!  I don't...because I get measure regularly.  Also, go to a reputable place; not Victoria's Secret.  Surprise surprise, Victoria's Secret is only concerned about getting you into their bras whether they fit or not.

Rule #3: Your straps should not dig into your skin.  There's nothing more unsightly then the dark brown strap marks from years of wear and tear.

Rule #4: Lift & Separate!  Your boobs and your belly button shouldn't be close friends.  Also, you shouldn't have more than 2 breasts.  Yall know what I'm talking about, the dreaded quad-boob and the often never seen, mythical sextuplet-boob. 

Rule #5: I don't care how small you are, ALWAYS. WEAR. A. BRA.

Ok, yall got it??